Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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