I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
