My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
