i think my tv is drunk
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
