he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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