She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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