I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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