You can't special order awesome
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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