I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
