I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
