Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
