just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
