I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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