If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
