Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
