I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
