Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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