'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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