You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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