____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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