My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize