I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
