So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I can't turn off my feet"
3 2 1 whiskey
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
