I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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