I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize