What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
