My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
