you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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