I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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