Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
