Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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