well most of my day revolves around power hour
my shit smells like andre
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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