he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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