I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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