oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
