Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
