I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
