he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Who died my cat blue again?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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