My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
