My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Pooping to opera.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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