Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
