and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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