The maid of honor just puked.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
