last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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