Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize