Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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