Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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