I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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