highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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