i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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