It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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