he puts the penis in happiness.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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