im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You are the jesus of drinking
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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