so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
