it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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