Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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