How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
even my farts smell like vagina
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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