he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
