The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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